…that I’m doing cocaine. And I’m not. There you have it. It’s not true. I remember my dad would always look me in the eyes and be able to tell that I was lying if I looked away for a second. A security guard taught me that too—and he works in the CIA! So look me in the eyes. I’m not looking away. I’ll talk to you for the rest of the interview like this if you want, aside from me having to eat my food. It’s not true! My mother would take me out of the business. I want to get away from that whole thing, because I know what it does to relationships and families. And the guys that I’m attracted to now are guys that have either been to rehab and don’t drink and don’t smoke, or guys that just drink and smoke and don’t do anything else. People say one thing leads to another—that’s bullshit! I think whatever you consume can be done in moderation. Whatever it is. But why even go there? Because it kind of came up in Vanity Fair? … I’ve been trying to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton for so long. Hillary was trying to work it out, but it seemed too dangerous. I wanted to do what Marilyn Monroe did, when she went and just set up a stage and did a concert for the troops all by herself. It’s so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who’s basically a pinup, which is what I’ve always aspired to be. So I tried to go there. I’m not afraid of going. My security guard is going to take me to a gun range when I get back to LA, and I’m going to start taking shooting lessons. He says if I’m going to go there I should really know how to shoot. Yeah, I have a dark side. I go to my dark side. I watched all these videos on Charles Manson for a while.

— Lindsay Lohan
“La Vida Lohan”
September 2007 Elle

Why It’s Moronic

The celebrity lying has to stop. Don’t want to be honest? Then why not take the Matt Damon route and adopt a saying-nothing-isn’t-lying philosophy? You’ll not only be preventing yourself from being labeled a liar, but also be upping your mystique by keeping part of yourself private. On second thought, that may be difficult once the world has seen your naughty bits.

Next item: If there was any doubt of Lohan’s cocaine use (how could there be, since her two arrests?), all you have to do is read this article. The interviewer gives some clues, but the real proof is in the stream-of-consciousness rambling many of us associate with amphetamines.

Anyone else think Lindsay takes after her mom in the self-conscious-yet-self-obsessed department? My favorite part is when she challenges the interviewer to demand constant eye contact to supposedly prove Lindsay’s truthfulness. Any garden-variety sociopath/actor can meet the standards of “honest” body language. It’s like she’s begging for an invitation to demonstrate how skilled a liar she is.

Oh, and it just tickles my bits to hear her talking about taking preparatory shooting lessons for a trip to entertain the troops in Iraq. What world is she living in to believe that she’d be called upon to use a firearm on such a trip? (Please, leave the responsibility of shooting to the Marines.) Never mind that; how does Lilo propose transporting a gun to the Middle East? Or do you think she assumes that the Army will present one to her at a red-carpet ceremony at the Al Fallujah Friars Club?

— Kanye West
“The Passion of Kanye West”
February 2006 Rolling Stone

Why It’s Moronic

Kanye’s been asking for it! Every public tantrum he throws is another reason for me to point out that “there’s nothing to see here, people.” Shouldn’t it be his music that people are talking about, rather than some perceived slight by the music industry or his cliché mockery of religion?

Onto the actual quote: Seriously, I only know the song “Jesus Walks,” for which most of the credit is owed Arc Choir and John Legend! That ditty followed in the footsteps of other songs created by other musicians using the same techniques... so if that isn’t how he’s claiming to have changed music, I’d like to hear more about what he means. If KW was that revolutionary (changing the sound of music not once, but twice!), I’m sure I would’ve heard about it from an outside source by now. You know, David Koresh said he was the second coming of Jesus. Saying it doesn’t make it true.

I can name one other Kanye song (“Gold Digger”) that I don’t think I’ve ever heard, but I’m clueless beyond that. On the other hand, despite not being religious, I can name a fair number of books of the Bible and tens of characters from it.

What I’m trying to say is: Kanye clearly is delusional about how big (or not big) of a star he is. He may be popular with an age-based demographic, but if my hip mother-in-law hasn’t heard of him, is he really a household name?

— Dina Lohan
“Livin’ La Vida Lohan”
April 2007 Bazaar

Why It’s Moronic

In all of her dealings, it’s pretty clear that Dina Lohan is a lot more interested in self-preservation (and income-preservation) than the well-being of her actually famous daughter. I can’t reprint it all here, but the whole article is proof of Dina’s delusion that she’s more famous, more rich, more respected, and more desired than she actually is. The woman is horribly self-involved, which is okay... unless you’re a mother.

Don’t you love how she always comes around after a Lindsay incident with the “Leave her alone. She’s just a child!” tantrum? Lady, that girl ain’t been a child for a good few years.

Dina also uses this article to talk about all of the clothes she mooches from Lindsay and about her proposal for a new talk show (she would host, of course) called CEOs of the Household: “...something like an Oprah where I'll take the family and bring it to another level.” Lady, please stop comparing yourself to Oprah.

To top it off, she provides the disclaimer of parents not being responsible for kids. “You can’t blame parents for kids.” I guess that’s a handy mantra to repeat while doing blow in the loo with your daughter.

— Vanessa Hudgens
“The Hottest Stars Around”
September 2007 Tyra

Why It’s Moronic

Sometime between its taping and the September 17 airing of an episode of Tyra, Vanessa Hudgens found herself embroiled in a mini-scandal when nude snapshots of the High School Musical star emerged. (Yes, I saw them.) The selected quote was Vanessa’s answer to an audience member’s question: “When you read about young stars like Britney and Lindsay and them getting in trouble, how does that affect you personally?” (after which Tyra offered a resounding “Good question!”).

Some people might think targeting this little girl is mean, but she is technically an adult, and you have to remember that she’s been grooming herself for a show-biz career for years. I’m sure the don’t-show-your-cooch-in-public lesson was given a long time ago.

To witness the hypocrisy yourself, check out the video on YouTube. As for the photos, you’re on your own.

— Chris Martin
“Yellow” by Guy Berryman
Parachutes, 2000

Why It’s Moronic

It plays like a love song, but I’d probably be embarrassed to learn my beau is so stupid if he sang this to me.

This song is one of Coldplay’s popular (but old) pieces and representative of the band’s work: The lyrics are crappily juvenile, and everything is very “this line rhymes with that line, this rhyme lines with that line, repeat.” Most of their songs are cryptic in the way a 19-year-old girl’s poetry journal is—not very meaningful... just full of words that seem insightful if you don’t really listen.

Then there’s the line ‘And it was called “Yellow.”’ The song is referenced within the song? Huh? I’d like to see a doctoral candidate try that in his thesis. Yeah, reference your own paper as a source, and see whether you’re awarded a diploma. Couldn’t that line have been worked on for, I don’t know, like three more minutes to find something else that rhymes? Like “And it made me bellow.” Or “It made me feel mellow.” Or “And now I say hello.” Yes, those are stupid examples, but that’s just about ten seconds of work. I’m sure a professional lyricist could’ve figured out something more successful.

A final note: While the lyrics are credited to bassist Guy Berryman, Chris Martin is the celeb frontman of Coldplay who actually sings the song and is most well-known, so he's pictured.