I was deadly with my backhand.

— OJ Simpson
workout video outtakes
YouTube

Why It’s Moronic

The day before the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, The Juice was finishing up a three-day recording session for a proposed workout video series. Outtakes from the video footage were subpoenaed for the murder trial as evidence of OJ’s state of mind.

I don’t know that this is evident of any wrongdoing on Simpson’s part, but in retrospect, it’s entertaining (in a morbid way) to hear all of his bloody puns and jokes... and it’s slightly weird to see him as the photogenic, charismatic character we remember from before the throat-slashing incident. Remember that some of this footage is from the day before the infamous double-homicide. (Latest polls estimate that 74% of people believe OJ did it.)

Watch the whole thing at YouTube.

— Reese Witherspoon
Oscar acceptance speech
2006 Academy Awards

Why It’s Moronic

Oscar winners need to settle down. Most think winning a statue—awarded by an exclusive group of colleagues—means they’re doing work that’s of paramount (ha ha, “Paramount”) importance to the world. (The public would give a fairer judgment of which Hollywood insiders matter to the general health of the world.) Reese, the daughter of a physician and a nurse, should know where actor-who-generally-stars-in-romantic-comedies stands in the hierarchy of important life purposes.

Don’t get me wrong: There are important films and important contributors to film, but it’s irritating to hear some of these people stroke themselves for showing up and doing their luxe jobs for a few weeks while there are doctors, nurses, and tons of other laborers who work hard for thirty years without any recognition, red carpet, or Nina Ricci gowns. If I won an Oscar (not that I’m trying), I’d really have mixed feelings about it, because 90% of that business is BS and hype.

Ms. Witherspoon is alleged to be a total hard-ass perfectionist (guess you’d have to be to demand her $29 million-per-picture price tag), but she sure is great at pulling out the simple-girl Nashville charm during appearances and interviews. The girl is good!

— Ben Affleck
“I Have a Strong Sense of Where I Want to Go”
October 2007 Parade

Why It’s Moronic

Now that a few years have passed since Bennifer fever and both parties have moved onto new couplings, it’s pretty easy for Ben Affleck to claim that he never wanted the attention his relationship garnered (ha ha, “garner”ed). As a matter of fact, he claims he wanted his relationship to be private.

If that were the case, why would he even have considered inserting a full-page ad of his idolatry for “Jenny from the Block” (is it okay to roll my eyes?) in the Hollywood Reporter? He easily could’ve whispered sweet nothings—if "sweet nothings" means effusive use of generous adjectives—but instead chose to proclaim his “honor and pleasure” in knowing her within a trade rag read by 30,000 industry types. Some of Ben’s exact words were: “You have shown kindness, dedication, diligence, humility, graciousness of spirit, beauty in courage, great empathy, astonishing talent, real poise and true grace.” He also said, “I only wish I were lucky enough to be in all your movies.”

Boy, he really didn’t use foresight when penning this love letter. That’s a weird thing to have in the history books. I think he lies today about his desire to have had a private relationship then. Whether stoked by the iron fist of J. Lo or desired by both, the attention was welcomed and accommodated. I recall a Diane Sawyer interview of the couple that yielded little more than whether their parents had met and “Ooh, a pink sapphire engagement ring.” (Meanwhile, didn't most of us want to know the really important things, like how finances are protected when dating celebs jointly purchase homes... or whether J. Lo gives directions in the sack?)

This couple nurtured the frenzy surrounding their affair, and my guess is that Ben is a little embarrassed about that period in his life. I also imagine that he’ll be running for office one day and is motivated to start playing down the fiasco now so there’s a record of manufactured humility.

Ben should stick to talking about government and politics; it’s where he shines. (No joke.) His wife, on the other hand, is an embarrassment to the art of the interview... her baby-talk-filled September appearance on The Martha Stewart Show (AKA The Cupcake Incident) had me cringing for days.

— Carmen Electra
endorser
1) Ritz Camera, 2) Taco Bell, 3) Battlebots ads

Why It’s Moronic

Like Jessica Simpson, Carmen Electra’s just a girl who can’t say no... to endorsement deals (and, judging from her two ex-husbands, dirty sex with scab-covered transvestites). She has endorsed or partnered with the following products: Blockbuster, Coca-Cola, Comedy Central’s Battlebots, Def Jam: Fight for New York video game, Diet Pepsi, ESPN NFL 2K5 video game, GM, Guitar Hero III video game, Lovoo.com, Max Factor cosmetics, NV weight-loss/beauty supplement, Ritz Camera, and Taco Bell.

She also has a line of workout videos (Aerobic Striptease), “wrote” a book called How to Be Sexy and a comic book, Embrace, started the Naked Women’s Wrestling League, and is the assistant or something in the Luxe Life magic show in Vegas. (Yes, really.)

As if that’s not enough, Carmen claims to be working on a clothing line and a perfume, and she’s lined up to be in the next cycle of The Apprentice. Shouldn’t she be running her businesses instead of competing on a reality show for the possibility of being told she has what it takes to run a business?

The most ridiculous product tied to Tara Leigh Patrick Ms. Electra is the Carmen Card, a pre-paid credit card backed by the so-reputable-I’ve-never-heard-of-it MetaBank. Why would any celebrity choose to associate herself with such a low-rent product? She’s pushing 40 and probably appeals to the 30-40 age group; people in that demographic shouldn’t be resorting to secured credit cards. And the company charges an outrageous $4.00/month “maintenance fee.” Wake up, idiots: They’re charging nearly 50 bucks a year for the “privilege” of having what essentially is a savings account. Cards like this are made to take advantage of poor people. If she were capable of consideration for others, Carmen wouldn’t be slappin’ her mug on any piece-of-crap product that comes her way.

If Carmen and Jess started an investment firm, what would it be called, and what would their philosophy be?

— Maury Povich
≈two episodes per week
The Maury Show

Why It’s Moronic

It’s hard to admit, but there was a time—many, many years ago—that I watched Maury on occasion. I mostly was interested in the bad teens he would ship off to boot camp; Maury was so paternal to these brats who just didn’t give a shit.

I don’t know when the transition happened, but Maury’s show now is like a slightly calmer Jerry Springer!

Maury keeps finding new mothers of bastard children and provides DNA testing. He announces the results for the mother, alleged father, and studio audience. I guess it’s a valid service, since, throughout history, a lot of people have had one-time indiscretions leading to pregnancy. But here’s the twist: Maury’s staff has an incredible knack for attracting the sluttiest of the slutty. Nine times out of ten, the result is “You are NOT the father,” even in the case of repeat visits from many of the women. (I think one shameless woman was featured twelve times before getting the coveted “You ARE the father” announcement.)

[Let me state for the record that I cannot stand to watch Maury—the overwhelming bulk of my interaction with Mr. Povich is strictly via the TV Guide channel and his website to check upcoming show themes. If there’s a DNA show, I might watch a few minutes to keep tally... if I have nothing else going on.]

I have no issue with single, healthy people being promiscuous. But wrap it up, morons! Approximately two Maury shows per week address the pesky problem of “Uh oh! I bareback-screwed five guys that week I was ovulating.” Ladies, do you really want to be in the situation of not knowing who your child’s father is? How about contracting STIs and passing them onto your child?

When I watch the continual parade of Maury morons, I marvel at their situations and their desperation in asking a talk show to solve their problems. Then I imagine Maury going home and sharing the freak-show stories with his wife (Connie Chung) over dry meatloaf and know that the paternal Maury of yore probably was just an illusion or wishful thinking on my part. He’s just another guy trying to make a buck off others’ misfortunes.