Leaving Las Vegas Bill, Butch and Bart Swapping penis size in the front seat while Thelma, Theisel and Lou Lou up there bouffant hairdos and secretly go where Blue eyeshadow has never gone before

— Jewel (Kilcher)
“Leaving Las Vegas”
Pieces of You liner notes

Why It’s Moronic

The first time I read through this poem printed in the liner notes of Jewel’s 1995 debut, I was confused. I was silly enough to believe that tripping over the line “Lou Lou up there” meant I was not broad-minded enough to understand her poem.

Later, after I’d abandoned Jewel as a mediocre-at-best, lucky-ass fraud, I ran across the piece again and had an “Aha!” moment. “Bitch used ‘there’ when she should’ve used ‘their.’ ‘Up’ is a verb in this poem.”

And that epiphany confirmed my suspicions about Jewel. Sadly, too many people didn’t notice—or care about?—this massive mistake from a supposed writer; after all, her collection of poetry, A Night Without Armor, sold over 1 million units. Someone should send me their ratty-eared, tear-stained copy. I’ll gladly (delightedly) highlight all of the sixth-grade-level grammar and spelling mistakes and return it.